Monday Night Medical Experiments with Mary

As any parent, pre-school or elementary school teacher can tell you, one of the occupational hazards of spending eight hours a day with little rugrats is acquiring every cold or flu bug that comes around. I should have known I was in for it when I attempted to wipe the nose of a three year old I was babysitting last week. She wouldn’t let me near her with a tissue in my hand, insisting “I’ll just lick it.” I’m trying to learn to pick my battles in the nannying realm, so, “OK, suit yourself,” was all I could do.

 As soon as my cold symptoms started to present themselves yesterday I started reading up on swine flu — err, H1N1 — and determined I wasn’t patient zero. But, in the interest of getting over this cold quickly, or faster than Sudafed could accomplish, I decided to experiment with a neti pot based on the rave reviews of everyone I know who has ever used one — despite warnings that the treatment is often likened to self-waterboarding. After taking a brief poll of 120 of my closest Facebook friends, all of whom endorsed the practice, I bought a $15 neti pot kit at my friendly neighborhood Jewel-Osco.

First, I watched a few YouTube tutorials to study up on technique. It looked straightforward enough. (This guy looks like a pro – maybe he trained at Gitmo?) I did as the instructions directed: lowered my head parallel to the sink, turned my head to the right and poured the water in. However, instead of exiting out the other nostril like it was supposed to, I ended up swallowing the salt water concoction instead. It tasted much like I would expect the Dead Sea to taste. Yum. I tried the other nostril and got the same result. My conclusion, then, is that I acted too late. It would take nasal-grade dynamite to irrigate my sinuses.

So, neti pot FAIL. I guess it’s back to Sudafed, tea and Purell for prevention. The last time I was sick, this happened. It could be worse, I suppose.